Persons on the autism spectrum are black and white thinkers. They prefer everything to go along expected lines and in a fixed manner. They have difficulty with “grey area thinking”. The concept of “make do with/may be/could possibly be/ lets manage with what we have/things can change with changing circumstances” is difficult for them to comprehend.
The challenge becomes more difficult for teenagers or young adults who are experiencing emotions like romantic love, infatuation, or developing crushes. Emotions like love, like, infatuation cannot be defined strictly. The type or intensity of emotion can differ from person to person, based on circumstances, etc. A high level of grey area thinking is needed to understand and sort out these feelings. Even more difficult is understanding reciprocal emotion. What is the other party feeling about me? Does he/she also feel the same? How do I understand?
What can one do to help people with ASD deal with this aspect of their lives?
My first advice to all parents with children on the spectrum is to expose them to grey area thinking as much as possible and in all kinds of situations. Secondly, they must work on development of perspective thinking, e.g., other people may not like the same things that I like. If I like somebody it is not necessary that the person will like me back, and so on.
But if your child is already a teenager or an adult and has not developed a high degree of grey area thinking, how can we help them navigate through such social situations? How do we help them in situations related to romance, love etc.?
I would say, it is never too late to develop grey area thinking in anybody. At the same time, I would recommend parents provide their children with some rules to deal with various situations (as black and white thinkers always do better with rules).
Your rules could read something like this:
DO remember that liking/loving someone is a choice
DO remember that the person you like/love might not like you back. You cannot assume that just because you like them, they will reciprocate your feelings.
DO move on if THEY are not interested
DO be polite and respectful
DO ask permission for any physical contact
DON’T get too personal at first
Don’t ask too many personal questions at first
DON’T discuss your relationship with all and sundry
DON’T pressure anyone to like/love you
Let these be starting point for you may have to modify/personalize it according to your child’s needs and maturity.
In order to implement the above rules, you will need to have a great deal of open discussions with your child. Encourage your child to speak out and express his/her feelings. Try not to make these discussions a question-answer session. Start the discussion with a few observations of your own, e.g., “I notice that you keep checking X’s Facebook profile very often”. “I think you like X a lot”. Draw out responses instead of asking questions. Encourage him/her to define how they feel about the person in question, why they like the person. In some cases, it helps if you give them a choice. For example, “so what do you like about X? Is it her smile or her eyes? Her manner of speaking or how she dresses?” This will go a long way in helping your child understand how they are feeling and help them conduct their social life in an appropriate manner.
Autism Conversations with Rashmi 